My emotions and energy have been like a seesaw; I'm on one side of the seesaw and cancer is on the other. Sometimes cancer has the better of me- I'm stuck at the top with my feet dangling, trying to get down. Other times, most times, I have cancer stuck at the top, and I have my feet firmly planted on the ground - laughing and mocking the cancer stuck up high.
When I was first told that the "suspicous" lump was cancer, I was sitting at my desk in our office. I kind of froze. I could hear the sound of air in the channels of my ears - like a very still, quiet night when you are trying to sleep. I didn't cry, didn't get upset, just froze. Chubba came in and gave me a hug, but I was still frozen. I think I might have cried, but don't remember - I only remember freezing. After a while, I sort of woke up and went home. The next day when my surgeon, Dr. No Nickname, was giving us a rundown, the tear gates opened, and out it poured. Dr. No Nickname was somewhat relieved to see tears because she said that she knew that I was understanding what she was saying to me. Thank goodness I was prepared with multiple handkerchiefs - I actually ironned them before I went to the appointment! I wanted to wipe my tears and snot with class.
I believe that tears weren't for me, they were for the girls. I knew how scared they were going to be when we told them. I felt their fright. Many moms will probably agree that once you have children, life isn't about me anymore...there is a reason that family is spelled with an "i" and not an "e". Life if better this way.
After I knew the girls were okay, then I got angry. Angry toward the cancer. Just plain ol' pissed off. It is really getting in the way of a lot of stuff . For a short time I was confused as to why others weren't pissed off with me - It is like I didn't want people to say "I'm so sorry.", I wanted them to get angry too and say something, like "That really sucks!" I am long over this stage now.
On a rare occasion, I get a quick whiff of anxiety - toward exactly what I am not sure - I guess the whole tangled ball of yarn. Thankfully, it doesn't last long.
It's really weird how this cancer thing is on your mind ALL the time.
Strange as it may seem, when I was first told that I had cancer, my energy was like Superwoman. There must have been some whacky adrenaline thing going through my system. I enjoyed this short-lived high energy. Unfortunately, my energy level now is like a big, giant banana slug. I think the stress is manifesting itself via sapping my energy. After I get the girls to school, I need a nap. Mid-day I need a 30 minute nap. Before dinner, a 30 minute rest helps. I sleep okay at night, but wake up every morning between 4-5am. My mind wonders a while before I fall back asleep.
So I went from tears, fright, anger, bits of anxiety to now I feel inconvenienced. Depending on the chemotherapy, this cancer could really be screwing up my summer travel plans to California for the month of August, my get in shape and look fabulous for my 50th birthday (12 months and a few weeks from today- yikes!) my raised vegetable garden I plan to build and plant with Molly, our business that is only 10 months old and ready to take off, etc...
Tomorrow I am meeting with oncologist number 2. I am sure he will be much better than Dr. Ice Milk. I have a positive vibe for the meeting. Thank you Julia and Becky for the recommendations of the same oncologist.