Today I was alone for the first time in three weeks. It was very strange to not have someone around. Am I too old to say that I miss my mom? I am one of those odd birds that doesn't mind being alone. I lived alone in my 20's and loved it. There is something free about being alone; no questions to answer and no behavior to maintain. However, I didn't feel that freedom today. I kind of felt trapped- trapped by the surgery, trapped by the tubes, trapped by cancer. I can't do anything that involves more than ten pounds of lifting, or bending over, or reaching, or twisting. (I can't even lift my 2-ton cats!) Laundy -no. Cleaning-no. Emptying a large vase-no. Getting out the sewing machine to repair a skirt-no. Making Rice Krispie Treats - the world's most perfect food - no. Gardening -no. Drive to the store - no. Crying-yes. I know, I know, you are thinking that "no" to all these chores sounds good - it's kind of like "the grass is always greener on the other side." (Actually, Chubba did a great cleaning yesterday, and Roo did the laundry tonight.)
So, for the last three weeks I have not:
Gone to a grocery store -don't miss it. (Henry's Market w/ my mom doesn't count - it is like a deli on steroids.)
Drop off or pick up Molly from school-miss it.
Wear only my own clothes-miss it.
Eat whatever I want - don't need it.
I had an appointment to get the tubes removed today, but I had to cancel due to they are still draining too much. I rescheduled the appointment for Wednesday. One drain in my tummy will definitely be ready, but not sure about the one left under my arm.
I am starting a healing wall in my bedroom, next to my bed. I am going to put up all the cards and notes I have received. In the middle will be this beautiful poster/card from Molly's Brownie Troop with several 3rd grade handwritten notes - mostly about my pink hair. The Troop also made me several butterflies that will brighten the wall. The reason I can cover a wall is because, believe it or not, for four years I have had bedroom walls that had wallpaper partly removed, and need to be painted. (We have a mega high ceiling in our bedroom.)Where has time gone?! Chubba wanted "us" to finish removing the paper and paint the walls the week before surgery. Yeh, right. Riley's room was much more fun, and way easier.
I am not sure about this reconstruction thing with the mastectomy. I guess it was better to get it all done at once. It just seems to be prolonging the recovery time. By the way, the tummy tuck thing -totally overrated. I just look like I had the 3 day flu, not 200 days of sit-ups. Anyway, I didn't do the tram flap for the flat stomach, I did it because I don't have to worry about rejecting the implant. With the radiation, the implant would have a 50% chance of failing.
Whacky thought for the day...
Can you imagine not going to the grocery store for 3 weeks? Yep, I'm bragging!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know what you mean, I did NOT want to be left alone, it was the strangest feeling, and I am pretty independent and LOVE to do my THING, especially now, but during that period when you are faced with the "C" word, you are just scared! You just don't know what's up ahead. But I had my kids to stay focused on, and THEY are what got me through it, I never kept anything from them, and I always stayed strong for them and my mom, and my husband.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting.. I didn't have reconstruction at all, back then they were having so many problems with the implants. Now they know what they are doing and have really improved, and due to this, when my Dr. asked if I wanted to leave extra skin for recontruction at a later date, I said: "NO, just pull it all tight, I don't want anything else hanging, besides the roll tht is all ready there..ha, he...LOL...I should've had him get rid of the roll!!!